Low point...

It has been a hard couple of days, full of disappointments, uncertainty and insecurity.

I am feeling rather blue, I must admit. Nothing tragic has happened. Just a big let down that has definitely "stirred the pot", so to speak, and brought to mind a lot of other things that I have been discouraged about, wanting, ready to give up on. You know what I mean, I'm sure.

When I began my internship with Samaritan's Purse last August all the interns were given a Bible by the director. In the front cover of mine he had written down Proverbs 3:5:

"Trust in the Lord will all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."


This is one of those verses that is quoted an awful lot, right? I have to admit that I didn't meditate on it too much as something specific that God was trying to teach me. It wasn't until the end of my internship that my fellow Water for Lifers and I got to talking and I realized that the director had written difference references down in each of our Bibles. I started thinking more about Proverbs 3:5 then, particularly because the director didn't include Proverbs 3:6:

"In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

You almost always hear these verses quoted together as a unit, and I wondered what God might be trying to say to me with just verse 5.

About a week ago Provers 3:5 began to weigh on my mind. This lasted for several days, which led up to the last few grey days.

Perhaps what God is trying to teach me is that what matters most is that I learn to trust in Him will all my heart and let go of my own understanding. He will make my paths straight, but that is His job. I just have to trust that He is doing what He has promised.

Do you ever pray things like, "Hey, God. You would get a LOT of glory if you did the following miraculous thing in my life. Just a suggestion."

I definitely pray prayers like that, or at least think things like that. But what I am beginning to realize is that God might get more glory from my trust and long obedience than from my brief gratefulness when He gives me what I want. Who doesn't like a God who dishes up good miracles? But will I keep loving Him and trusting Him and lean not on my own understanding, particularly when the not knowing is breaking my heart?


(And I am terribly bad at not knowing. Did you know that I usually read the end of a book first?)

I am struggling to come up with a conclusion for this post, so perhaps I will just let it be.

The Velveteen Rabbit...

I love children's books, and one of my favorites is The Velveteen Rabbit. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, it is about a little toy Rabbit who is given to a Little Boy. The Boy loves his toy Rabbit and they are inseparable. In the end, the Boy loves his toy Rabbit so much that the toy Rabbit becomes real.

Early on in the story the Velveteen Rabbit has a conversation with the Skin Horse, an older and wiser toy.


"What is REAL?" the Rabbit asked the Skin Horse one day. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"


"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse, "It's a thing that happend to you. when a child loves you for a long, long time, then you become Real. By the time you ar Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and you get very shabby."


"I suppose you are Real?" asked the Rabbit.


"The Boy's uncle made me Real many years ago," said the Skin Horse. "Once you are Real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."



I think about this part of the story every now and then because it reminds me so much of the Lord and what He is doing for me. He is loving me, carrying me everywhere, delighting in me and in the process of all this, there are bits of me that are slowly being worn away.



The Velveteen Rabbit, after being cradled in the arms of the Little Boy for weeks and months and year, begins to lose some of the gloss off of his fur and the pink velvet of his nose is rubbed away (from kisses). Because he is so happy that the Boy loves him, he doesn't notice that all of his outwardly, pretty, inconsequential elements are slowly disappearing. I love to think that as God walks with me and loves me He is wearing away all my outwardly, pretty, inconsequential elements. There is so much of me that is frail and corruptable.



I also like to hope that as I learn to delight in the presence of God it will be all I really care about. I won't notice the departure of my nice, glossy coat and cute pink velvety nose that were so eye catching in their day (and by that I refer to all the fronts and faces and shows I can put on that look so impressive but in the end are just fake rabbit fur with no life underneath).



The Velveteen Rabbit ends with the Rabbit being loved into Real. He gets real arms and legs and can run and jump and scratch His ear. He goes to live in the forest with all the other rabbits and, as the author puts it, is home at last.


This reminds me of how, one day, love is going to make me Real too. One day God will transform me, and I will leave behind the constraints of my weak seams and lumpy stuffing. All the fake, artificial stuff I live in right now will be gone and I'll be alive, for real. And, as the Skin Horse said, "Once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."



Can't wait. Happy Easter.

March 8

Is...

International Women's Day

(The woman on the left is my friend; we call her "Mama Saida". Infected and abandoned by her husband, she is now raising three children on her own while living with HIV.)

Today is a day for the international community to acknowledge the great accomplishments of women around the world.

Today is also a day to consider the great challenges facing women in this day and age, and what our global community must do in order to promote gender equality and the empowerment of women.

Did you know?

A woman dies every minute from complications related to pregnancy and delivery. 99% of these deaths occur in the developing world.

60% percent of the adults living with HIV/AIDS in sub Saharan African are women.

Children of uneducated mothers have the highest risk of dying while in their childhood.

Roughly 100 to 140 million women in the world today have suffered female genital mutilation.

Today...

I am thankful for Jane, who oversees a women's vocational project in northern Uganda. Jane told me her story of how she ran for her life when the rebel army attacked her village. Today she radiates joy and hope as she helps women learn how to sew and introduces them to the love of Christ.

I am thankful for Eunice, in Mozambique. She helps coordinate programs for women in her area where they learn about how to nourish their families physically and spiritually and how to read and write. The women are also taught income generating skills in order to help their families financially.

I am thankful for mothers like Mariza, also in Mozambique, who work hard every day to make sure that their children go to school, have enough to eat, and grow up healthy.

"...I've seen it around the world, in the poorest countries and in countries riven with conflict...It is women who are key to breaking out of poverty, breaking out of stagnation...It's women who can contribute to achieving real security--not bombs and bullets and repressive governments."

Queen Noor of Jordan

Frightful...

The weather today is awful. Yesterday I drove about half an hour away to get my CPR recertified. The roads were perfect. This morning they are covered in slush and ice.

I tried to drive to Red Deer early today in order to attend one of my many upcoming orientation classes (oh, I am a nurse again. Have I mentioned that?). I spun out of control and hit the ditch about 2km away from Three Hills. I know it was 2km away because I came to a stop right by the sign that says, "Three Hills. Access. 2km." According to Lenny, the tow truck man, I am just one of many. Lenny had to postpone his efforts to get my car out of the ditch because 1)it was too dangerous to be on the highway, and 2) there were three roll overs that he needed to get to. Three! I hope everyone is alright. What a horrible day.

It felt just like my accident a few years ago, only there was no bridge to fall off of, just a nice, gently sloping ditch. Still, it scared me to death. I hate driving in the winter. I'm going to stay inside the rest of the day, drink tea, and remember not so long ago when everything was much sunnier.

A scruffy photo of me and my friend Kristi on safari. Riding atop the Land Cruiser is the only way to do it.

Hola...

I had planned to write some sort of touching "this is my final night in Uganda, allow me to reflect on my experiences" type of post on, well, my final night in Uganda, but that did not come to pass. Firstly, I spent the majority of my last day taking packed out public taxis down country roads, tromping through some nice, thick bush, and talking about bean farming. It was tiring. Then, that evening we went out for a last meal after which I had to actually finish packing. Then I almost missed my flight out of Uganda and then my flight out of London. Remind me to tell you how a Turkana Fighting Stick almost ruined my life (that's a hyperbole, by the way).

I am back in Canada. Right now I am in Vancouver with my friends Matt and Rames. Rames is at work during the day but Matt is home, on his reading break from grad school, and we chat about things like theistic evolution and the usefulness of higher Christian education as he tries to study and I try not to distract him too greatly. I really love visiting them.

So far coming home has been a very positive experience. Had I written my sentimental Uganda farewell post I probably would have talked about how nervous I was about returning to Canada. I've come home before after being absent for some time, and I've found that no one really saves your place in line, if you know what I mean. But, this time, I am rediscovering my place and its lovely.

I have much to write and stories to tell because God has been teaching me so much these days. Right now I am going to go eat Mexican food, but I will be back soon, possibly with pictures!

Decisions, decisions...

I keep laying awake at night

For hours

Thinking and praying about what to do next

I say, "God, where are You?"

He says, "Right inside you."

I say, "But how do I know that I'm listening to You in me and not to me in me?"

Thankfully God is patient with me when I ask these kinds of questions

More patient than I am in waiting for the answers

Usually around 1am I stumble upon a genius plan and fall asleep totally confident in my decision

But then I wake up

And my 1am plan looks rather shabby by the light of day

*Sigh*

Any thoughts?

Technical difficulties...

If anyone can tell me how to move the script from the top of my header to the bottom I would be greatly indebted to you. I just...I have no idea.